I’m done with Doctor Who.

Because what the FUCK is this SHIT?

ddun_01 – ddun_02 – ddun_03

I was also interested, on my other blog, to note that India will apparently be more monoracial in 300 years time. Imagine if they showed a similar scene in the Britain of 2314, with all white characters?

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And what’s this in the next issue? “The Weeping Angels of Mons”. Note they are going to end up in “the trenches”. The trenches, as in those things that hadn’t been dug at the time of the retreat from Mons?

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Never mind, eh? No doubt the whole point of the story is to say “the right things” about class war (class war from the perspective of yanks, anyway. Or maybe Brits who wish they were yanks, which is even worse). You can see the heartless generals ordering working class men into No-man’s Land at gunpoint already, can’t you? Never mind that they were actually being led into battle by junior officers, most from exactly the same educated, privileged background as those generals, and an order of maginitude more likely to be killed. As they were supposed to be “leading by example”, and snipers always went for officers. To say nothing of the fact that several of those junior officers, leading their men to doom, may have been the nephews or sons of the generals planning the attack… or even that 22 generals themselves died in pointless charges, over the course of the war (no doubt trying to prove that their amazing “run towards the enemy’s machine guns” tactics will work, this time).

Still, we all know what “amazing, shocking revelation” is coming up on the TV show. I suspect a lot of people are planning to bail, at that point. I might as well just git while the gittin’s gud. It’s made for San Francisco hipsters, now, anyway. It’s no longer for the likes of us. The £40-a-year-licence, stripped-to-bare-bones BBC can’t come soon enough, if you ask me.

EDIT: I had a peek at the next issue in the shop. Yeah, tin helmets and trenches before Archduke Ferdinand’s body was even cold. Top research, there.

Who I once was

We had a family lockup, but with impending financial trouble have emptied it to sell / use stuff, and save money on renting it. Unfortunately we lost the key for one of the cabinets, and have turned the place upside down looking for it. I didn’t find it on top of my wardrobe, but I did find most of my old college work, and the doodles I’d done on it. There’s actually surprisingly few doodles – don’t tell me I was actually paying attention!

Anyway, I thought I’d scan in the most amusing doodles and upload them to Facebook, but as facebook shrinks them, I’ll also put them on here. As you can see, I was an anarchist at the time, and wrote a lot of hilariously embarrassing political messages. College was a pretty traumatic time for me. Mainly because the one I went to was full of GCSE-failing chavs who were doing either bricklaying or leisure and tourism, and mainly because it was 2001 and people were scummy then. But also it was because I had all these ultra-leftist beliefs, which would today be labelled “SJW”. My pronouncements on the evils of capitalism and the tories alienated most of my friends, or potential friends. I was also pretty shy and looked ridiculous (even more so than now XD).

Strangely, while I was often talking about overthrowing the government, calling people sexist for saying girls were sexy, and glorifying the antics of 80’s leftist protesters who kicked Nicky Crane’s head in (I didn’t know what happened to him afterwards, the only thing I’d heard about him came from a pirated Oi Polloi mp3), I never made a peep about gay rights, and only ever told a couple of people I was bi. So we can add cowardice to my many failings.

once12 – once13 – once14

once15 – once16 – once17

once18 – once19 – once20

once01 – once02 – once03

once04 – once05 – once06

once07 – once08 – once09

once10 – once11

Die, hideous creature, die!

Protip: If you are going to complain about old Doctor Who comic strips featuring the Doctor resorting to violence to solve things…

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make sure you don’t do it in a comic in which he recruits a couple of Ice Warriors to help him build an army to lead a mutiny on a slave ship…

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…and then brush off his companion’s concerns about them being left to roam the galaxy in a captured warship.

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Mind you, is that line so “notorious”? Given the rarity and expense of Doctor Who-containing issues of TV Comic, I’d be willing to bet that article is the first time many whovians have even heard of it. Is that article, in fact, an attempt to give the previously-highly-obscure line it’s notoriety, and thus another attempt by the chattering classes to discredit and undermine traditional British adventure comics? To persuade modern comic fans that they are not even worth bothering with?

Such attitudes, rife in the pages of 2000AD and the Megazine, very nearly infected me. Luckily somebody was able to sneak an article about Sexton Blake in, which turned me onto my current path. How long will it be before the original (and by far best) Dan Dare begins to be offhandedly dismissed in this manner? The Billy Bunter stories are already branded “elitist”, “classist”, “racist” and many other things which it is difficult to find any evidence of if you actually read them.

サクハリンは日本

Apparently there’s some big event going on in yankland at the moment. I think it’s the superbowl, or something. It must be, the BBC aren’t fucking shutting up about it. They care more about the superbowl than the FA cup final, wandering around interviewing people having barbecues outside it and talking about how that’s really healing the disconnects of the American dream after 9/11.

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One of the pigshit-thick, gun-waving cheeseburger chuggers.

Anyway, I think it’s between the Mets and the Giants, whoever they are. Mind you, New York, home of the Mets, recently got smashed up by the kamikaze as payback for all the yanks saying the tsunami in Japan was payback for Pearl Harbour a year and a half ago. Mind you, I suppose it’s up to the leader of the Mets to set the time of the game, and he’s decided to press ahead with it, so he must be confident about beating the Giants. Apparently they also need to score a touchdown in the 32nd end zone of the quarter (I think that’s right), and rarely do that.

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The other one. Oddly neither is pictured wearing a cowboy hat, must have been windy that day.

Still they both love Israel, and Israel are spoiling for a fight with Iran, which will pull Russia and America into a war and destroy the world, ironically making all those 2012 prophecies self-fulfilling. Israelis are fucking cannibals aren’t they? Sadly they were created by the British Empire, it set out to “civilise the world” and left the most unstable yet resource-rich area of the world saddled with the most uncivilised, barbaric, paranoid nation this side of, well, yankland. Which they are basically the 51st state of anyway.

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Still they’re not as bad as Zafira owners. One of them nearly fucking killed me today! Thinking it was okay to go 40mph, weaving gently from side to side, on the A14. Only a day after (and exactly across from) where somebody got killed in a crash which I didn’t witness, but which I have arbitrarily decided was caused by a witless, weaving, doddering old twat. Anyway, this one decided to pop up in front of the car in front of me, which before that had been racing down the slip road at 70mph. I left that to take care of itself and looked behind, spotting a lorry “just” far enough away to pull out in front of. I look back again and the doddery old cunt has forced the car in front of me to VIRTUALLY FUCKING STOP as it pulls out onto a 70mph road! There was seriously inches to spare between the three of us. The old git then wanders off in front of me at the next exit (with exactly three flashes of the broken indicator) and pootles up the slip road, rocking gently from side to side as his feeble consciousness wrestles with the choice of two lanes.

He actually went into the same Tesco as me, I thought about looking around for a cop car and hinting that he was drunk. Or, as he was no doubt a dozy old codger who constantly whinges about “the kids who know nothing about history”, stopping nearby and “accidentally” leaving my music blasting out as I got out. The music in question being from Showa 17-19, and fucking awesome. Japanese music peaked in 1944, seriously. I bought a whole set of CD’s of 30’s and 40’s music at the Yasukuni Shrine museum, funding it’s revisionist exhibits to the tune of over £100 (CD’s are bloody expensive there).

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TSUBASA, TSUBASA,

KANGAYAKU TSUBASA

TAAAADAKU HANBATAHOOO

TSUUUUUBASA YO RI!

Bidwells are a bunch of cunts

BEST HOLIDAY EVER!

I got back from Japan late on Friday, having taken nearly a thousand photos (probably) and bought literal armfuls of comics (I had to send some back by post, because my case would have been too heavy. It was less than a kilo under the limit anyway!). More details and picspam to come, mainly on my Things Japanese blog, but I have some more ranty and sweary stuff to say here too.

Oh yeah, while my back was turned the British comics industry came up trumps and launched a new story paper! Yes, the 136-page monthly Pulp Detective is available in WH Smith’s now! It’s also in a few other newsagents, though not one in Coventry, who decreed that it was “too small” and “wouldn’t sell” without even trying it – DIRTY TRAITORS!

The Sawtry sex shop

For ages now, I’ve wanted to write an angry blog post calling for the opponents of the Pulse & Cocktails sex toy shop “in” Sawtry to: FUCK OFF BACK TO THE UKRAINE, YOU SUB-BORN UNDER SAVAGES. BUT, I then saw this article about it on the local paper’s website. Note the lack of one single comment in support of the protesters!

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And page 2:

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And page 3:

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Well done Cambridgeshire, you have genuinely surprised me! And I may just have to take a run over there myself. I wonder if they have a DVD of that one where this guy cums on Lil’ Miss Kitty’s face then his secretary licks it off?

I almost wish a sex shop would apply for permission to open up in my village. I’d immediately set up a petition in favour of it and see how many names I could get!

Ely Funfair

On the day I went to the May MCM Expo, I took a wee detour into Ely first, so I could photograph the funfair. Notice how it is taking up a good half of one of Ely’s central car parks:

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It was early in the morning, so it wasn’t open

Well that’s so far, so fucked up. The funfair used to be in a much more sensible location, a nice piece of barely-used grassy field ‘behind’ the main shopping street (as far as Ely has such a thing, anyway):

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Ideal

Unfortunately, that ideal piece of funfair land is next door to this:

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That place that had no objection to an apple festival being held next door once

So of course, Darwin-defying dribblescum complained that having the funfair on that piece of green was “insulting”, and forced it to move to one of the car parks – of which there is far from enough in the centre of Ely anyway. There is a pay car park on the outskirts, with a bus that runs into the town – which is an ideal solution in Cambridge. But Ely is, well, only Ely. I only ever go there for the dentist, or on the odd occasion when Cambridge will be too painful to travel to (IE, when Strawberry Fair is on) and I want me Commando comics.

Of course, trying to park in the centre of Ely past about 11 in the morning is a pointless, polluting procession around the centre – followed by giving up and going to Cambridge anyway. Driving 25-odd unnecessary miles and adding a few more degrees to the global temperature.

The ideal solution would be to build a multi-storey car park in the middle of the city (yes it is!), but this newspaper cutting I intended to upload to my website when I relaunched it in 2005 or so says:

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Possibly when our white elephant scheme has proven successful we might maybe consider doing something sensible.

And I doubt those regulations have changed since. Mind you, the public transport situation from the villages has actually got far worse! Small wonder, the “hopper bus” is not going to recoup it’s costs until the city centre is attractive enough for people to want to spend a day out there.

Visit St Petersberg? I’d rather go to Peterborough

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Did you hear the one about the Russian politician who wouldn’t take a bribe?

Me neither.

 

Did you hear the one about the Russian who got a fair trial?

Me neither.

 

Did you hear the one about the Russian cop who turned up to work sober?

Me neither.

 

Why do Ladas have the engine in the back?

More room at the front for the bodies.

 

Did you hear the one about freedom of speech in Russia?

███████████████████████████████████████████

 

Did you hear the one about the 20,000 murdered Chechens?

No, I only get Russian TV.

 

Did you hear the one about how much Russia has changed since 1916?

Me neither.

 

What did the Russian sailor say when he saw unarmed British fishing boats?

“Battle stations”

 

Did you hear the one the Russian sailor told when he saw the Japanese navy?

The punchline was a washout.

 

  russgags1.jpg

Banzai!

 

What did the Russian soldier say when he saw the Japanese army?

They don’t have eyes in the back of their heads.

 

Did you hear the one about the Tchaikovsky performance in his hometown?

They used canister.

 

In America you march on gay pride. In Russia gay pride gets marched on!

Sick ohhh

So said the Myspace blog (lol, remember those?) entry of somebody I really ought to have made more of an effort to prang once. Anyway on Saturday I thought I’d made ‘decent’ progress on the Sentinel and The Small Press Digest, and was planning to spend Sunday tapping out reviews / angry Sun-style articles to fill the pages of them. Instead I woke up on Sunday with a badly running nose and the feeling that a load of red-hot iron filings had settled on the bottom of my sinuses, wonderful.

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pictured: scientific accuracy

(Drawing that actually made the pain worse >.< I ought to draw something nice). So anyway I spent the whole day looking at dannychoo.com instead of drawing or writing. And after a sleepless night I phoned in sick to work today and did more of the same, though feeling slightly better. Ought to manage to go tomorrow. Total number of sick days used in 3 years of working there: 2!

I did go and collect lots and lots of extra-strong Lockets from Tesco though (Tunes are shit these days, the “real fruit juice” they have been “improved” with just gives them a horrendous aftertaste). Of course my dad, with his usual slug-like sub-telligence, couldn’t fathom the idea that a sleepless night of illness might not put me in the mood for doing a load of shopping. So of course he had to drone out “Cayn Yew Gäeeeeeet……” as slowly as possible while the one remaining locket in my mouth (to avoid a running nose while I’m driving) rapidly vanished.

My brother also moved out of the house yesterday, ahh peace and quiet. No longer will I have to suffer his “sense of humour”. Which amounts to loudly repeating a lolarious line from some podcast he’s listened to, out of context, for a fucking month.

 ♦♦♦WHAT THE BULLIES FROM MY SCHOOL ENDED UP DOING♦♦♦

1 – Killed self in a car accident while drink driving

2 – Locked up for molesting children

3 – whatever – Dunno, but with that sort of start I doubt they did much good. Kids of today: Don’t be an arsehole at school, it’ll only get worse!

Actually come to think of it my whole school year was a bit shitty. They were oh-so “mature”. When we were 11 – 12 we went to this Anglo-Saxon hill fort and I bought a toy axe in the gift shop, cue a years worth of bullying. The year after me all bought toy swords and were having mock battles on the bus.

Still the whole school in general had no sense of humour. An Irish bloke at my work was talking about how on one of the leaving days at his school the whole year all sat in thier classes quietly and patiently and played no pranks, which left the teachers baffled. Then they found out that six of the kids were missing, they had released some extremely well-fed pigeons into the open-plan upstairs! You could never have organised a whole year-wide prank like that at my school. The good/mental kids would have blabbed it to the teachers in five minutes flat and the bullies would just have laughed at the idea that somebody is trying to organise a big prank rather than loads of little ones.

Then again it wasn’t entirely confined to my year. The teachers had a crackdown on people standing up on the bus once. Oh how I dreamed of having the whole top deck of our bus stand up as one just as it went around the corner exiting the school. Of course If I’d had this idea, turned around to the people sitting behind me and told them to pass it on backwards through the bus they would probably have just looked at me like I’d shat on their shoes.