I was wandering Japanese videos on Youtube, probably looking for Ryukoka / Gunka, or WW2-era propaganda footage, when I ran across a Christmas video from this bona omi:
That text scrolling across him is because these videos originally come from Nico Nico, which displays comments scrolling across the screen at the point in the video where they were made. You’ll see those a lot as this story unfolds…
Why yes, that is a sexy Christmas elf costume sold in kinky shops. I re-found the video about a month after, when I went back to my own channel for something and saw the record of a comment I’d posted on it. I scanned about looking for more videos of this guy, and discovered he’s got quite a line in cross-dressing:
And yes, his lallies are rather bona, too:
Holy shit do I want that
I noticed that videos of him, ripped from Nico Nico, had been uploaded by many different people. A sure sign that he is, for better or for worse, internet “famous”. Google Chrome translations revealed many negative comments saying things like “death”, “scrap” and “scum”. I’m guessing it’s worse.
I found out he was calling himself Haruhi Suzumiya. Unfortunately, I quickly found out that was the name of a famous manga character, and so not much help. But I also noticed that FX (ForEx, for foreign exchange) trading was mentioned in conjunction with him a lot. I googled “FX Haruhi”, which offered to autocorrect to “FX ハルヒ”, and the hunt was on! I found, er, this:
Machine translated once again, as all the text bits in this entry will be
http://www43.atwiki.jp/niconamafx/pages/15.html appears to be a website with ‘profiles’ of people who have become infamous on the Japanese-language internet, and he’s one of them. That thing about him being “neat” is actually a mistranslation of NEET, or Not in Education, Employment or Training. It was originally used in a British government report to describe people on the dole, but has since been seized upon by far-eastern geeks. In Japan it’s become synonymous with Hikkomori, or “shut ins”, kids who are so socially awkward they never go out at all. But FX Haruhi is not quite that extreme.
The site follows up with a list of his, er, “sins”
“Preformatted doubly eyes”? Piss off, his eyes are gorgeous
Apparently he exposed some bank account details accidentally on one video, and these people have “made a beggar many times”. They then follow up with loads of salacious stalker gossip on how often he has a bath. Who really has the moral high ground here, eh?
Then there’s his sins in FX trading. Apparently he lost (a lot of the machine translations say he “dissolved” or “melted” XD) 10, 17 or 20 million yen (not as much as millions of pounds, but still a lot), which was apparently his parents’. OR which he had won at Pachinko (Japanese “gambling”, which you technically can’t play for cash, but everybody does), which he had apparently been playing under-age.
FX Trading, yesterday.
Though from his mother’s reactions in several videos, it probably was his parents’ money he wasted. He certainly seems to like gambling, in fact he even has a bandit in his room, and plays it on one of the videos XD.
Still looking adorable ^-^
After a video of his loss, and his mother screaming at him (The video where this apparently happened, though of course I can’t understand anything beyond a lot of “nan da yo”, is zoomed in, has another window covering up the ‘action’, and millions of Nico Nico scrolling comments in all colours), the story was picked up by some minor Japanese news sites. The machine translations doing the usual hatchet job:
Mind you, at other times he doesn’t seem too badly off (the videos have all been deleted and re-uploaded by random people, it’s impossible to work out a proper chronology):
Keep it there, chum. It’s safter than turning it randomly into Euros and back
His mum often appears in the videos, but isn’t always ranting either. In the Christmas video I saw first she is for a bit, even when he tries to bribe her (XD). In another one they’re both vlogging and drinking together XD.
Still that doesn’t stop the flow of negative comments. Here’s a typical one. Something tells me that the poster can’t be trusted, though.
LOL, “scrap” again
The wiki entry I found about him also has a list of quotations from him and his mum. Hilariously, the translation of a website created by people who are more sympathetic to her called her a “hag”.
Then there was “the damn war and bloodshed”. The translators have really gone to town on this one!
It starts off with him talking normally, then he leaves and there’s a great deal of shouting from him, his mum and somebody else. With the usual excitable text speculating on what is happening:
Then he comes back like this:
How dare anybody injure such beauty?
Apparently he tried to borrow ￥30,000 off somebody, possibly his grandfather, somebody dodgy, or another trader. That person came to visit and trouble ensued (one translation of one of the mirrors of the video even implies it was the police who came round(!)). The Wiki mentions this too, saying it happened in March last year
Youtube commenters reacted with the typical level of sympathy:
10? 17? 20? Make your bloody minds up
An artist also got an Ukiyo-e style “fanart” tagged on his (well, possibly his) Nico Nico page:
But despite all that mess, he’s still gorgeous, isn’t he? Which brings us on to where this post is going, namely that
I WANT TO BE HIS BOYFRIEND!
Why yes, that is a very wonkily-drawn rendering of the Mikasa, a product of the Anglo-Japanese alliance. I want to Anglo-Japanese a-lie with him, all right. I even bought a comic on the subject:
Bad teeth, ugly smile. This pic took like 30 goes before I produced a non-blurry one, so it will have to do >.<
Just look at him! “Doubly eyes”, indeed. His eyes are wonderful :3
<3 <3 <3
BUT, is he so? Well there IS one video where he’s trying to flirt with an American girl who owns lots of snakes (well, he’s typing pre-made lovey phrases to her whilst actually talking to somebody else on Skype XD)
We also learn that a Jigglypuff is called a Purin in Japan.
But then again, some of the things he does in other vids are rather camp:
That second one is a funny delayed reaction to delicious noodles XD
There’s also a report on that wiki page that he “raised a queer voice” while shirtless in front of a station, before “collaborating” with the police. Could be have been trolling for trade? XD
Mind you, after that we have more records of financial misdemeanors. I hope, if we ever get gay married (do they even have that in Japan?) that he doesn’t Jew me out of my money, like a Turk.
And while not an indication of blueness per se, he does like cute cats, including a very sweet and squeaky tiny kitten ^;^
Anyway, having become very intrigued by his enchanting beauty, I had to go and search for ‘legit’ pages actually written by him. I found what appears to be his Twitter. Apparently he recently bought a car, so can’t be doing all that badly, even after “melting” so much money.
And as this is an eye-candy post in the newly created eye-candy category, here’s just a bunch of other pictures of him I collected but couldn’t slip into (ooh, ain’t ‘e bold?) the post any other way.
Remember to cut out and keep your voucher
“But wait” you say. “What’s this about him raising a queer voice while shirtless outside a station? Did the wiki-creators follow him about, or did he film that?”. Well, unfortuately the video is at powerpoint framerate, but we do get a glimpse:
Holy shit do I want to possess that
And then his “collaboration with” the Saitama police:
He really ought to move away from his detractors and the bad memories, and make a fresh start elsewhere. Now I’m not making any sort of undue suggestions about drastic moves halfway across the world, but, well…
Nobody gonna take my guy, gonna keep him to the end
Nobody gonna take my guy, he stays close on every bend
Ooh, he’s a killin’ machine, got everything
Like a movin’ mouth, body control, and everything
I love him, I need him, I see him
Yeah, he turns me on
All right, Hold Tight, I’M A HIGHWAY STAAAR!